It seemed as if it would never happen, but this week the weather gods finally woke up and answered the desperate prayers of a shivering, vitamin-D deprived nation, and delivered a heavenly dose of unbroken sunshine.

T-shirts were thrown on, dusty sandals were unearthed, barbecues were lit and we all got out there to enjoy the sunshine. With the warmer weather and longer days comes, of course, a wish to be outdoors, and this is especially true for children. They want to run around in freshly mown parks, climb trees laden with cherry blossom and whizz around on their bikes and scooters.

And their parents immediately start to panic about all the things that could go wrong if they grant such freedoms to their adventurous children.

A park is full of strangers who might harm their child, they might fall out of that tree, a bike is a broken arm just waiting to happen, teeth will be knocked out if they fall off their scooter… Bad Things might happen.

This (perfectly understandable) concern about the welfare of our children seems, in recent years, to have grown into a semi-hysteria, fuelled by exaggerated media reports of injury, abduction and freak accidents happening to children in the most unthreatening of environments, made all the worse by horror stories that go viral on social media.

The result is a generation of parents who are terrified of Bad Things happening to their children, and children who are so over-protected that they can’t breathe. They are growing up in the ‘safe’ glow of a TV screen, the protective casing of cars and the cosy shelter of permanent monitoring.

But it’s not cosy. Because protecting children from everything that can possibly go wrong doesn’t teach them anything of the real world, and gives them no taste of failure, pain or disappointment.

Clinical psychologist and broadcaster Professor Tanya Byron is concerned about the clinical effects of not letting our children take risks.

‘Anxiety disorders in children are rising,’ she says. ‘We are living in a risk-averse society where children are raised in virtual captivity due to parental paranoia about risk, over-inflated by the media. More and more children are now over-protected to the degree that they understand neither risk nor the value of failure as a learning experience.’

Clinical psychologist Linda Blair, whose book The Key To Calm is published next year, sees risk-taking as a valuable experience and even as something pleasurable, but she stops short of saying that failure is ‘good’.

‘Cushioning children so that they can’t solve problems in the real world is deeply unhelpful,’ she says, ‘but failure per se isn’t a positive thing for children.’

There is a misplacement of emphasis about failure and success in our culture. We know from the recent Young Minds study that the most important thing to do for a child is to praise their effort and not whether they succeed or not. ‘If you only praise successful results you set them up for low self-confidence and for never taking a chance. Taking a chance, having a go, is what makes life taste good!’

So what would Professor Byron say to nervous parents who really believe it’s dangerous to let their children out alone or to walk to school unaccompanied that would encourage them to let their kids take small risks?

‘Anxious parents lead to anxious children who are unable to assess and manage risk,’ she says. ‘I would urge parents to remember that this makes them vulnerable in the real world, which is full of risk and challenge. As parents we were raised in a more relaxed culture that allowed us to live outside and experience the world. By denying this to our children in a managed way we are denying them important life-skill development. Where are the free-range kids? We are breeding a generation that’s afraid of life, afraid of interaction with men, afraid of failure. Life is tough, and kids need to be robust and assertive in their handling of it.’

I remember a top-grade girl in my class at school who had never failed at anything in her life. At the age of 17 she flunked her driving test completely. This was her first taste of failure – she all but fell to pieces. And such was her fear of failing again, that she was unable to take her test again for years.

It’s much healthier to learn to cope with failure gradually, to fall out of trees and get a few frights, and gather up some grazes and scars through childhood, so that when the bigger disappointments come along, we are ready to face them.

For Blair, failure is a useful time for reflection.

‘When we succeed we often feel smug and self-satisfied, and move on,’ she says. ‘But when we fail we sit and think. We evaluate things, and learn something of ourselves. Children need to do this, too. To learn to get back up, and try again.’

And, she says, there’s one very positive thing bear in mind. ‘Life isn’t all that dangerous –  just look at how many of us keeping getting up every morning!’

I hope more parents will let their children go this summer, and let them get out there and learn a little about the world… without the cotton wool padding and the fear.

Related articles

Let children take risks
How to be a relaxed parent, not an anxious parent
Helping or hovering: what makes a good parent?
Dragon taming and overparenting
Pushy parents, hold back!
Management skills for parents

What led you to write about stepmothers?
I wrote this book out of curiosity and personal desperation. Like most stepmothers, I was very isolated. I didn’t know other stepmothers, and the information available was extremely bland, and was based on how you should act, how you should feel, what you should be doing with your step-children, instead of explaining the reality of what women actually encounter. It’s a bit like driving with the wrong map – you’re driving around London but you’ve been given a map of Leeds. You’ve been handed a first family map. And you can’t drive around a second family with a first family map, because first families and second families are different. And this can lead to enormous confusion and frustration.

Most parents would agree that parenting can be a tough job. What additional pressures do step-parents, and particularly stepmothers, face?
Women with step-children deal with a tremendous amount of negative judgment. Part of it is because of Walt Disney and the Brothers Grimm stories, where wicked stepmothers abound. Part of it is because society believes that it knows exactly how stepmothers should feel and act and what they should do, so they inherit this social pressure. The third reason is that they feel pressure from their husbands or partners to ‘blend’ everyone together and make a beautiful family. And finally, they feel internal pressure from themselves because they believe that if you’re a good woman and a good person and a good wife, then a step-family will happen easily. None of those things is true.

Isn’t the same true for stepfathers?
Step-parenthood is no cakewalk, whether you’re a stepmother or a stepfather. However, the research shows that children and young adults are generally more open and less rejecting and hostile towards a stepfather. This may be because stepfathers do not feel the same pressure to blend the family as stepmothers do, so they are less likely to activate a child’s loyalty binds. Also, when you are a stepmother, there is a mother and ex-wife in the picture, and the interactions between you can create conflict.

You just mentioned a child’s ‘loyalty bind’ – what is this?
It’s the feeling that if a child gives their stepmother a chance, it will break their mother’s heart into 1,000 pieces – that they’re betraying their mother. A stepchild can feel a loyalty bind whether they’re four or 64 – it’s very common. Most children post-divorce are in a loyalty bind.

Can loyalty binds be loosened?
Yes. Mothers can explain to their child or children that it’s all right to give their stepmother a chance. Fathers can tell their children that they don’t have to love or even like their stepmother, but that the rule in their house is that they must be polite to her. And stepmothers can help by saying something like ‘I know you already have a mum, and that’s a really special relationship.  And I’m not your mum, I’m your dad’s wife/partner. But we’ll find a way to be friends – we can have a different kind of relationship.’ When you say this to a little child, you can see the confusion and loyalty conflict melt away  – they understand you’re not trying to step on their mother’s toes. Also, never say a negative word about the children’s mother, even though it can be hard.

What other steps can stepmothers take to build their relationship with their stepchildren?
Whatever the children’s ages, take up shoulder-to-shoulder activities rather than eyeball-to-eyeball activities. This could be doing a giant jigsaw puzzle, doing some arts or crafts, or watching a film together, or driving your stepchild in the car. You’re not concentrating on talking to each other or building a relationship, which is a lot of pressure. Instead, you’re doing a low-pressure, easy, fun thing, and thereby building a connection. It’s much better than sitting down and having a heart to heart or trying to do something really special, like taking them for tea at the Dorchester. That’s a lot of pressure.

What are the positives about being a stepmother?
Often teenagers will turn to their step-parents during their most difficult developmental years when they’re feeling upset and dejected, and build closeness during times when they don’t trust their parents or their teachers. If you’ve been hanging back, not pressuring them or trying to behave like a parent, doing shoulder-to-shoulder activities, then in the teenage years that relationship can blossom into one of the most special relationships in the step-parent’s and stepchild’s life, precisely because you haven’t put labels or expectations on it that it’s supposed to be parental. That’s the really great news.

wednesdaymartin.com

 Related articles

Helping or hovering – what makes a good parent?
How to be a relaxed parent, not an anxious parent

My sister Rebecca was diagnosed with bipolar disorder 17 years ago at the age of 22, and as mental illness goes she’s quite a way along the spectrum. Although she has had periods of stability, over the years she’s been variously suicidal, manic, psychotic, severely depressed and sectioned several times.

If my sons (Harry, 14, Jonah, 11 and Luke, seven) ask questions about their aunt – why is she in hospital? why does she keep interrupting them during a family meal? why did she not utter a word on Christmas Day? – I tell them that the chemicals in her brain sometimes get out of balance, causing mood swings. They understand that her condition isn’t a shameful secret or anything to be afraid of, but that the brain, just like any other organ in the body, can ‘get poorly’.

Changing times…

I don’t think my honest approach is particularly unusual these days. In a recent survey by the department of health, 70 per cent of respondents said they would feel comfortable talking to a family member or friend about mental health. And a study published in the British Journal of Psychiatry reports an 11.5 per cent reduction in average levels of discrimination against people with mental health problems.

I am grateful for this turning tide, but the reality is that ignorance and prejudice do still exist. The government-funded anti-stigma campaign Time To Change encourages us all to start a conversation about mental health. And what better place to begin than by teaching our children that if there’s somebody with mental illness in the family, they have an illness like any other – sometimes challenging, yes, but treatable and most certainly nothing to ashamed of.

What to say when…

Daphne Joseph, manager of the Young Minds Parents’ Helpline, says there are some golden rules when it comes to talking to children about mental illness.

1. Be honest. Hiding the truth from children in order to protect them will just make them worry more as they tend to imagine their own worst-case scenario. Rather, tune in to the individual child, use age-appropriate language and, above all, be honest. So, for an eight-year old, you might say something like, ‘Daddy’s feeling unwell and very, very sad.’ An older teenager might need a more detailed explanation, such as, ‘Your dad is experiencing severe depression because he has an imbalance in his brain’s neurochemistry.’’

2. Reassure them. Knowing that their loved one is being supported will stop a child worrying so much. So for a younger child, you might say, ‘The doctors in the hospital are looking after grandma to help her get better’; while a teenager will be comforted with something like, ‘It’s likely grandma will be in hospital for a couple of weeks while the doctors work out what medication will help’.

3. Listen. Whatever the age of the child, it’s important to allow them to ask questions in their own time. Remind them they can ask you anything. Also, regularly make time to chat about everyday things – often you’ll be talking about something else and they’ll take the opportunity to share how they’re feeling.

4. Point out that it’s not their fault. Children have a tendency to think that everything’s their fault, feel guilty and blame themselves. One of the most important things to say is, ‘This is not your fault. It’s an illness. Mum still loves you.’

Recommend reading
Pre-school age: The Huge Bag Of Worries by Virginia Ironside
Primary school age: The Wise Mouse by Virginia Ironside
Secondary school age: Mental Illness In The Family, a fact sheet written by the charity Young Minds. Download it here

Sarah Owen is co-author of Bipolar Disorder – The Ultimate Guide 

Related articles

Talking to your children about drugs
ADHD – over-diagnosed and over-medicated

How do you react when your son tells you he thinks he might be gay? Someone who knows is Trevor Diamond. His son Sam first said he thought he might be bisexual when he was 14. And, unlike many parents who have faced the same situation, Trevor had unusual insight, as Trevor is also gay.

‘I asked Sam if he’d like me to take him to a gay youth group,’ Trevor tells me.

Trevor dropped him off at the youth group and before long Sam texted him, asking to be collected much later than they’d arranged. When Sam got into the car, the first thing Trevor saw was a big love bite on his neck.

‘I tried not to notice and said, “Did you have a good time then, Sam?” He was like, “Yeah, yeah, I definitely am gay.” So I said, “It’s good that you’ve figured that out, now what do you want for dinner?”‘

It’s the coming-out story many gay people would dream of: an understanding parent who allows their child to work out their sexuality for themselves and then doesn’t make a big fuss about it once they have.

It’s an endorsement of Trevor’s matter-of-fact approach that, when I speak to Sam, who is now 22, he barely remembers the youth club visit that for his dad was clearly a defining moment in his son’s development.

‘I never really had that moment of realisation growing up,’ says Sam. ‘When I was 12, 13, 14, I noticed I was attracted to guys. I did definitely go through a period of questioning whether I was still attracted to girls.’

Initially, Sam’s mum wasn’t so supportive and one of the things she questioned was whether Sam had been influenced by his dad.

‘That was something that was very clear in my mind hadn’t happened,’ says Sam. ‘I said to her: “I don’t like carrots and no matter how many times you tell me I’m supposed to eat them, I’m still not going to.”

Trevor admits he has to be careful not to push the boundaries. He remembers Sam, aged 15, was quite embarrassed when Trevor bought him loads of condoms and a book about sex.

Sometimes they go out together to gay bars – ‘more at his insistence’, according to Sam.

‘I think it’s growing up in a different era. For me, being gay doesn’t define who I am. I guess for my dad, growing up in an era when being gay was frowned upon, he wants to be more proud of being gay. He had to fight for himself about being gay, and going to bars and social events is more important to him.’

Trevor seems to agree, even to the point of being annoyed about his son’s lack of political activism about his sexuality.

Above all, though, he is happy to have a son who is so well-adjusted and happy. Sam is studying at Edinburgh University and has a boyfriend, Leo, who’s a fellow student.

‘Dad and I are still very close,’ says Sam. ‘He always says it’s more like a friendship. He behaves like my dad but he also behaves like my friend at the same time. We have similar interests, such as flying, and we’re able to talk a lot about life. It’s really good.’

Related articles

When a gay dad comes out to his children
Same-sex parenting
Gay families and adoption

Human beings are the most committed parents in the animal kingdom. Our babies are delivered immature and need help to feed, keep clean and move. Having such complete responsibility for another tiny creature that we love means that anxiety about them is a natural part of being a parent.

It’s no wonder countless parents have crept up to their sleeping baby to double-check they’re breathing or spent the entire visit to the park telling their boisterous toddler to be careful. But where do natural feelings of concern spill into something that is stressful for the parent and suffocating for the child?

Children need to be able to fail and make mistakes in a secure, consistent environment. So-called ‘snow plough’ parents, who come between all difficulty, failure, pain and their child, might not be doing them a favour in the long run. It is better to be behind them than in front; be their secure base as they strike out in the world.

What is it like to be the child of an anxious parent?

Anxiety funs in families and is one of the most prevalent mental disorders in children. In trying to tease apart how anxiety might be passed on from parent to child I focused my PhD research on comparing the parenting style of anxious and relaxed mums* across a variety of games and tasks.

I remember being struck by how warm, fun and full of praise the relaxed mums were. By contrast, the anxious mums tended to be more critical and controlling during all the tasks and really worried about their ‘performance.’

This was particularly striking during a task where mum and child were asked to draw a house on an Etch A Sketch together, each operating one knob. The relaxed mums couldn’t have been less interested in what the house looked like; they praised their child’s efforts and the pairs laughed throughout the task. They worked as a team and the picture looked pretty terrible.

The most anxious mums, however, were really worried about getting the picture right. This made them critical and controlling of their child. Frequently, when they had to produce the diagonal roof (which requires the up button and the across button to be turned simultaneously), they took their child’s hand off the knob and took over. They ended up with a great picture of a house but an unhappy child.

Psychologists have found that anxious parents are more likely to be critical of their children, worry what people think of them (and their children) and display more fear and anxiety in common situations. Unfortunately, all these tendencies and feelings are more likely to instil fear and low confidence in their own children. This goes some way to explaining why anxiety runs in families (though anxious tendencies are inherited, too).

As a life-long worrier myself I want to reassure other parents that there are lots of ways you can prevent your own anxiety from becoming a problem for your child. I try to remember five P words to help reduce anxious behaviour around my children.

Personality: All children are different – some fearless and some cautious. This is partly down to an aspect of their inborn personality (called behavioural inhibition where some individuals are significantly more sensitive to the environment, be it loud noises, smells, etc). All parents will get to know their own child and be able to gauge their comfort zone around certain things, for example fireworks. Try to be reassuring and encouraging but avoid forcing them to do things that they find very frightening. Forcing children could result in them becoming more withdrawn and feeling less in control. So respect their personality and take things gently.

Play: Let them have a go themselves without micro-managing what they try to do. Babies and children live in the moment; they love to try new things and learn as they play.

Praise: Praise your child when they try things, especially praise persistence and hard work. Don’t just praise the end result.

Pretend: If you want to avoid passing on some of your own phobias or worries try to be brave for your child. Children look to their parents to guide how they should feel or behave in certain situations and will model their parents’ behaviour. Even if you are not keen on, say, slugs or parties, try to be as calm and reassuring as you can for your child so that they don’t learn to respond with fear and anxiety, too.

Performance: Try not to worry about your ‘performance’ as a parent. Most parents feel under pressure to be seen to parent in a certain way in public. Try to focus on the real relationship with your child and deal with situations in the way you know works with you and your child.

*In my research I studied mums as they were already coming to our lab for another study but would have loved to have included the children’s dads, too, had it been possible.

Dr Rebecca Chicot is one of the co-creators of the Essential Baby Care Guide DVDs, which were shortlisted for Best Innovation in the Mother & Baby Awards 2013. She has just launched the free Essential Baby Care Guide app with access to more than 150 vital baby care demos from the UK’s top expert organisations

Related articles

Radio 1 DJ and festival guru Rob da Bank runs Camp Bestival, the family-friendly spin-off from the grown-up Bestival. It’s been running for seven years now, inspired, he says, by becoming a parent himself. ‘I’m no more hectic than the average mum or dad,’ says da Bank. ‘People think I must have a very rock ’n’ roll lifestyle but a lot of the time I’m a stay-at-home dad. I’d rather be with the kids,’ he told Country Calling online magazine.

All the big-hitting festivals such as Glastonbury had dedicated kids’ areas, but da Bank and his wife Josie realised there was a gap for a festival specifically for families. ‘It’s difficult trying to tick all boxes – the breastfeeding mum needs somewhere to feed her baby, the 16-year-olds want to have a few drinks and listen to dubstep and the grandparents like a bit of jazz,’ he says.’ That means a pretty eclectic line-up but that’s what I love.’

One of the key factors in choosing a festival is to do your research. ‘Our main source of information for festivals was my sister, who had been to the Big Chill festival before,’ says mum of two Sue Forsyth. ‘She gave us invaluable advice on what to bring, where to camp and especially the distances between stages and generally what we could expect.’

You have to adjust your expectations as well – the days of a lost weekend are on hold. ‘Initially it was hard realising we wouldn’t be able to see all the acts we wanted to,’ says Forsyth. ‘We were able to see bands playing on the main stages – we wrapped the children up warm and they played happily until they dropped and fell asleep on rugs or in buggies – but it was unrealistic to think we’d be able to go to some of the late-night DJ events.’

Once you’re prepared for the reality, though, a festival will be an amazing experience. Not one parent we spoke to had anything but unforgettable memories of family fun – it just requires a little more effort.

Oh, and lots of festivals offer free or discounted tickets for kids.

What the parents think

‘Going with friends helped with nerves on our first time. One of the hardest things was the kids running off in the crowds – you have to be on the ball all the time. We learned it was a good idea to write our mobile number in magic marker on the kids’ arms. Our cycle trailer doubled as a pushchair for sleeping kids and it also helped lug stuff from the car to the tent pitch. The essentials: sun tan lotion and wipes.’
Jon Thomas, dad of two

‘Go with another like-minded family. It made it much more fun for the children to have other kids to hang out with and also meant we were able to enjoy the evenings. Our biggest concern was that we would lose a wandering child but it wasn’t a problem. We were always able to set up picnic rugs at the main stages with enough space for the children to play around us without having to stray.’
Sue Forsyth, mum of two

‘We took Dylan to the End Of The Road festival when he was two and he loved it. You just have to pick the right festival, do some research and it will be a family-affirming experience. Dylan loved the illuminated woodland dance floor at EoTR. Dad… he had a Daft Punk flashback.’
Steve O’Rourke, dad of two

What the kids think

‘The best part was having all the space to run around and play. Also listening to the different kinds of music and staying up really late. I liked doing the fun activities too. I made a fish from willow twigs.’
Ella, age 9, The Big Chill

‘I don’t remember some of them because I was very little but last year we went to one and I loved the free marshmallows.’
Isobel, age 8, Leaningstock festival

Click here for our pick of family-friendly festivals

Watch this space for more festival updates and live reporting from Camp Bestival

Related articles

The Big Chill